Saturday, July 4, 2009

livin', lovin', and growin!'

oh, how i've missed this blogging 'thing!' i can't begin to even try to explain on here how busy we have been. it has been crazy with family stuff, baby showers, vacations within vacations, family and friend visits...whew. i am getting tired thinking about it, but we are having a wonderful time here!!!!

i think one of the things i most enjoy about being here is sitting around with the sito and gido (jeff's mom and dad) and watching them enjoy, love and dote on peyton and beckham! i love that in the morning, after breakfast even on a work day, linnie says, "come on heidi, lets do the dishes later. grab some coffee and let's go see what the kids are up to!" we will then proceed to the room where the kids dance or perform for us. i love how easy and slow things can be in the morning, and i love sharing my little piece of heaven with them.

one reason i have been so busy is...

my heart is heavy. maybe heavier than it has ever been. my grandma is sick. just writing that one sentence brings me to tears. it's like thinking about her and talking about her to anyone, makes me cry with no ability to turn off the faucet of salty tears. i debated talking about it on here, in fact, i thought i wouldn't, but my fingers just went there. i guess it's because i need to put it out there. prepare myself for other things maybe. maybe because this blog helps me face the truth and see the good in every situation. first, i have to say that i love my grandma so very much. we have always shared a bond that i found to be unique and extremely special. my earliest memories of her were her pretty face with bright red lipstick, pond's cold cream, cheese puffs, the hair salon, and mrs. grass's chicken noodle soup served up in a coffee mug-not a bowl! i am not sure why my sister heather and i thought that was so special, but we did and would ask for it each time we stayed the night at her house. if we were having a really great night, she would also make us a kraft single and mustard sandwich too! (i know...most of my memories revolve around food:).

she is the person that i have shared most every secret and thought and emotion with. through my teenage years, i asked her question after question that may have been awkward with someone else, but not my grandma. she is unassuming, open, and unfathomed by the craziest things. when she would laugh, i knew things would be okay. i learned that she was in my corner through good and bad.

before my wedding, my grandma fell and broke her leg. when she called to see if i could stay with her until she could get around...i jumped at the chance. i stayed in her living room for two month, fetching coffee, making tomato sandwiches (here i go with the food again), washing laundry. more than that...we had the most fun ever. we played card games, we had a slumber party every night. we would watch old reruns of the love connection the dating game. laughed together everyday and then cried when we learned of john f kennedy jr.'s plane crash. she helped me tie up lose wedding details and made me call off work one day because she said i would look tired on my wedding day (ahh...that last part about got me fired we really found the silver lining in crappy situation.

she flew to florida when i had my first baby...peyton mae...named after my grandma...colleen mae!

i could go on and on and on.

when i arrived home a few weeks ago...i knew she had had a stroke. i knew her diabetes was out of control. i knew she was a bit forgetful.

what i didn't know was how different she would look. still the same beautiful lady i knew...but just different. there was a time when she wouldn't leave the house without her hair done, make-up, nails manicured. when i approached her, i tried to hide my emotion and shock and worry, she cried. she said she was crying bc she was happy to see me. we sat together at my dad's retirement party and just listened to her. made plans to pick her up to do something fun the following week.

many phone calls to family and friends later...i though i was ready to see her again. we had a sleepover at jeff's house. my grandma stayed with us for the night. we had dinner, played poker (she's a shark), joked around. i found myself looking desperately for my grandma. at times she seems so like herself, like nothing is different. however, mostly, she is different. her memory resets every 20 seconds...she thinks she is younger than she is...she talks about her mom and her old puppies,...

she is slipping away. like a thief in the night, dementia is stealing our grandma away from us. she is being robbed of the simple pleasures that we all take for granted each day. she knows it, she hates it, and it makes her sad.i hate it. i am not ready and i am not ready to deal with it yet. i want my grandma back. the one who knows where she lives, the one who wants to look her best, the one that can have a dinner and remember what she ate. the one that can care for her beloved dog and herself without any assistance.

as much as i know this is life, this is what happens...i am not able to deal with it. it weighs on me day and night. it has consumed me so much so that i search the Internet trying to learn about new things or meds that can help her, praying for a miracle to happen, knowing that it won't. i am not feeling sorry for myself, i think i just need to come to grips with it. she is still here and i will enjoy her as much as i can.

she is so sharp sometimes and then the next minute...she is gone. lost and asking the same question over and over and over and over again.

she needs to live with one of us or move into a home...and those thoughts are haunting my every minute. i have taken her to the docs a couple time, we went to lunch yesterday and we always have fun. these are the things i am tyring to focus on now.

i know we will get through this. this whole process or experience is forcing me to think of the future. it's forcing me to see life in a new way, and as hard as this time has been for me, i have learned a deeper appreciation for living in the moment.

i stare at my kids faces, knowing that one day soon they will be adults. i know it will happen so quickly, that i run to them more often for a squeeze or a kiss, or to simply tell them how happy they make us, and how much we love them. i am reminded how precious this time is that we have with each other. in this moment. this month, this day, and this year. i cling to this moment because this moment, even with all the 'growing and learning' going on, this moment is so special. i love walking in the house and seeing little tiny shoes next to our bigs shoes. i love that i still get to serve drinks in big kid sippy cups and i love that i can just love up on my kids with no regard to as to embarrassing them infront of their friends. oh how i'll miss these day. i know that by being aware of of how special today is...we will live a better day. oh, and if my future self reads this, and i know she will and i know what she will be thinking...'hey, teenage kids are special too!' yeah, i know all that and i welcome it with open arms, cause i know that's a pretty special time too. HELLO!!!!...prom dress shopping, boyfriend chats,...girlfriends to hate...LOL! can't wait!

with the passing of michael jackson, and all the other emotions, and real life...i am learning to grow, i think:) growing in the mindset of... this is life, it truly is what we make it. we do make our own destiny and it is a great responsibility and blessing to have that freedom.

to be honest, i am not going to proofread this. i hope it's not morbid or depressing. i meant it to be a post about growth and even if i am not growing today...i know it is happening. out of this kind of pain...growth must occur too:) i love this 'being real' stuff. writing this all down has made me feel so much better that i think i may go for a quick run. the weather has been perfect here and i found the most beautiful park the other day...i'm talking like deer five feet from our face, rolling hills, an old fashioned ice cream truck (bet your butt i got pictures...lots of 'em!), and miles and miles of wooded trails. heaven on earth and it's only 1.8 miles from here. who knew?!!!!

in times like this...holin' up in the house, watching a fluffy kid, make-your-heart-sing kinda movie and drinking a hot cup of coffee is just what the doctor ordered.

also, in between helping take care of my lovely grandma, jeff and i were able to take a three day vacation up north together to a really cool health resort. it was invigorating and beautiful and i will post pics of that later. for are a few pics that i shot of my sister elaina's baby, my niece...evie...since i am trying to put my photographers skills to the test...i like to practice on her...

i could eat her all up...i nibbled her little cheeks, but i can't get enough of her!!!
some important things to blog about...
gramps' birthday!!!
and gido's birthday!!!
gido was in the hospital, so peyton was the nurse and took her job extremely seriously even finishing her shift by making peanut butter filled celery sticks!
peyton's favorite person/slave...auntie hi-o!
we love u auntie hi-o
my sweet little monkeys!
just feeling so blessed to be your mommy!
missing my girls too! love you's!!!!!


Anna Ruth said...

Oh, Heidi I love what you said about your grandma. She will always be the person you remember when you were little. She made a difference in your life and that will not change.

The pictures of the kids are precious.

Tammy B said...

Heidi, you made me cry and smile, all in the same post! I know it's so hard. Glad you are trying to put it in perspective - and enjoy her today, and tomorrow.

Loved the pics too :)

Barb said...

Ok sister.....just remember that it's ok to cry, but don't forget to breathe. Enjoy every minute you have NOW. Maybe record her voice. I have a recording of my Mema's voice...telling me of her childhood. I will cherish it forever. I miss you sister. Too bad we didn't have more time. I'm here if you need me. Sending giant hugs your way!


Kelle said...

First of all...the pics of Evie and the ones of Beckham and Peyton...smiling and clapping. You did it! Adjusted clarity, sharp eyes, great angles..perfect color...bravo, darling! And the grandma thing has been on my heart for you because I've been there and know. But glad you are enjoying little things in the coffee with Linnie and the kids. Missing you! xoxo

amyc said...

Beautiful post, Heidi. I think your writing may be one of your best outlets for dealing with everything. And cherishing today. And laughing and giving your kids noodle soup in a mug (my Oma did the exact same thing!) Miss you!

Unknown said...

Oh, Heidi! What a sweet post. No one can doubt how much you love your grandma. What a special bond you two seem to share! I love that.

The pics of the kids...and Evie are incredible! What a precious little girl! :)

Hope you had a nice 4th of July!

The Manrings said...

what a beautifully written post about such a beautiful grandma. i can picture her and your loving family....what an incredible bond you have with her and that is something to be thankful for everyday. keep thinking positive thoughts. glad you are having such a wonderful summer with your family. looks like a lot of fun. ps. the first pic of your beautiful little niece...adorable! happy fourth too!!!! xoxo

Rayna said...

Oh Heidi, I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma. We are going through similar family stuff right now. So keeping you in my prayers. I LOVE the pictures. xoxo

April said...

tears here, too! i've been thinking about you and your grandma since i read the post yesterday. you're such a sweetie!

love the last shot of beckham!

happy week to you ...

Kelly Hutcheson said...

Oh, Heidi I'm so sorry about your grandma! You described your feelings so beautifully! WOW!

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry you are going through that with your Grandma...must be so hard. Good for you, getting your feelings out in writing. You are a good granddaughter!!